So, Thanksgiving is almost upon us. And with the holidays comes the drama. Revenge is a dish best served cold, so they say, and I'll have to assume that drama is a dish that usually comes at you piping hot. For the record, I generally dislike drama and really try to remove myself from it. The fact that I work with a bunch of women makes this difficult, but on my personal time, I feel like I really work towards avoiding that shit. Having an anger management problem can complicate this, except for me trying to tell myself that my anger management problem really isn't a problem for me. Yeah, I'm not convinced either, because I'm usually the one that walks away looking like a jackass.
Anyway, today. I get a text from Guy #1 saying he's got something to tell me and please promise I won't be upset. Okay, note to Guy #1, if you have to precede the message with that, I will most likely be upset. But, I promised because I was sure the worst thing he could tell me was that he was working on Thanksgiving and wouldn't be able to join me for the day. Oh my god, I wish it were that simple.
Somehow and somewhere in the realm of a rural county, my mother's husband (my second stepfather) decided to invite Guy #1's ex-wife and her husband to Thanksgiving dinner. Huh? Actually, that's huh to the eighth power, because my stepfather is not even friends with Guy #1's ex-wife or her husband, at least not to my knowledge. Okay, wait, let's stop texting and let me call to verify that I've got this right, because I can't possibly be reading this correctly. I called Guy #1, and yep, I've got it right. His ex-wife is saying that she's been invited to Thanksgiving dinner. As I felt my anger rise up within me, I hung up the phone and called my stepfather.
"Did you invite so-and-so to Thanksgiving dinner?"
"Well, yeah, but we were just joking around and I didn't really mean it."
"WHAT THE FUCK did you do that for? I mean, GODDAMMIT, are you kidding me?"
"No, it's okay, we were just laughing and joking and I invited four or five other people to dinner to but none of them are actually going to come."
Famous last words.
"Don't worry about it, I'll tell them tomorrow that I was just joking and they won't come."
"At this point, I think you've done enough. But just in case, how about I invite your ex-wife to dinner? How would you FUCKING like that?"
"I swear, they aren't coming. We were just laughing and joking."
Click.
I have met Guy #1's ex-wife for the briefest of moments, and I was so pissed at myself for not looking like Miss America at that exact moment in time. It didn't matter that this was the most happenstance of all meetings, nor did it matter that they had already been divorced for more than 10 years. It mattered to me that my hair didn't look supa-fly and that I can't fit into any clothes that are in the one-digit range. Meaning 0-2-4-6-8. Not that I'd want to be a size 4, because I've been a size 4 before and I've gone back and looked at those pictures and I looked fucking anorexic, but still. I don't even know why this bothers me other than I'd like to think I'm the upgrade, not the downgrade. And I want the woman who got upgraded to know that she got upgraded, because that's how the mind of a woman works. Kind of like between me and The Ex, well, he knows I'm still the upgrade, even though he has a new wife. Of course, I'm still moderately sore about Guy #1 telling me in the spring that his ex-girlfriend thought I was fat and ugly, and I've kept it in my mind that that's probably what everyone thinks about me. The fact that all of this came out today in the same Thanksgiving phone call wasn't helpful, and I couldn't help but to feel sorry for him in the end (still not as sorry as I felt for myself, though), because I know he had no idea those words had been living and festering in my brain for months.
Yes, I am shallow like this. Just like I'm shallow about dating ugly men. Meaning, I won't date someone ugly. No, thank you. That's what God made ugly women for. Of course, I'll modify that completely horrid statement by saying that one woman's ugly is another woman's handsome. But still. It's out there.
But back to Thanksgiving. I'm stuck at this point, because Guy #1 says they won't come by because they have too much to do for their own dinner, but I'm of the opinion they will. I mean, why not stop by? They've been invited and are probably a little curious. So now I'm in a pickle of the highest order, because I can do several things:
1. Not go to Thanksgiving dinner. Yes, this is my favorite option, but it's also the option where I cut off my nose to spite myself. This is also the most passive-aggressive of all of my choices, even though I like to call it me making the decision to not get involved and just completely remove myself from situations I don't want to be a part of. Those of us out there who operate on the shady realm of passive-aggressiveness have a million excuses as to why this behavior is acceptable. If I didn't have my kids for Thanksgiving this year, this would most likely be what I would be doing. But I can't bring myself to effectively punish my children for what they don't have any understanding of. Fuck me! for being somewhat of a good mother.
2. Go to Thanksgiving dinner and then pray upon all great beings, including the StayPuff Marshmallow Man, that Guy #1's ex-wife doesn't show up. And when she does, I can hide. I really don't want to have any dealings with this woman, because I know how she has chosen to do certain things in her life and I don't like it and don't trust myself to keep my mouth shut. However, this option will never work because I.am.an.alpha.female. and we don't hide. Period and end of story. So the hiding option is out.
3. Go to Thanksgiving dinner and drink. This is looking like the only viable option, because when I drink I love everyone. And so, if the ex-wife shows up, I'll just make a new friend! Yay! We can take trips to the bathroom together like we're in a club and I'll accidentally drop her phone in the toilet. And then I'll drink too much and puke in her car. Okay, maybe it won't go that far, but I can try!
Guy #1 is of the opinion that I'm blowing this way out of proportion, but dammit, how has he been dating me for a year and not know that I'm just a teensy bit high maintenance? Just a teensy bit high strung? Okay, maybe a little more than a teensy bit. The fact that I'm about to have a panic attack because I've got that tingling feeling in the top of my head and down the back of my neck and tightening in my chest will just go unsaid. But more than anything, I'm pissed that I'm not going to be able to lose 30 pounds and get my hair done in the day and a half before Thanksgiving. I don't feel very upgrad-ish right now and that's what I'm really mad at.
5 comments:
I say the viable option here is to drink. You could borrow panic attack drugs from the chicken lady, but alcohol will do. Then dress up and act like a honey badger...cause they don't give a shit! And besides if the woman shows up, she has balls bigger then grapefruits and she has bigger problems.
the chicken lady
Thank you Chicken Lady! I knew you would have some sage advice for me.
Okay, I have to comment on this one for sure. First, one day I'd like to hear the story of how come your stepfather knows your boyfriend's ex-wife. This story reminds me a little of how early in our marriage, my hubby's cousin called and said "I'm getting married and your ex-wife is coming, but you can come too if you want." He was incensed and wanted to say no, but I insisted we go -- after all, it was her loss and my gain that she dumped him and I wanted to lord it over her.
Anyway, back to you now. Seems to me that this is a really a problem for your stepfather to solve (e.g. call the bitch up and make sure she doesn't come). But as that may not occur, you're right to have a strategy.
#1 strategy - avoidance: Although there are times when this might be a good move, I tend to favor full-on face-offs. I never really understood passive-aggressive action as it feels like it doesn't really solve anything, it just puts off the confrontation and makes the pot simmer longer. If calm aggressive doesn't work I have been known to escalate to aggressive aggressive, unfortunately. However, I think you can't win a football game by strictly defensive moves, you must go on the offense as well. And interactions with ex-wives qualify for the same moves.
#2 strategy- hiding: right, we alphas don't hide. Good decision.
#3 strategy - alcohol: drinking never hurts if you are a lover not a hater when you drink. But if you drink too much, you will tell her exactly how you feel, which may be a bad move on Thanksgiving. And you really don't want your kids to see you sloppily drunk, right?
#4 strategy - Hey, this is my suggestion. Stop obsessing about it because you are the winner in that you now have Guy #1 and she does not. You can be smug in knowing her stupidity is your gain. Go, have a good time with your kids; she will probably NOT come but if she's that idiotic, then stay calm, love up on Guy # 1 a bit in front of her, then calmly ignore her for the rest of the time. And know that you are definitely an upgrade!
Oh, and by the way, tell Guy#1 that some things just don't need to be shared! That kind of stuff just stays in our brain and reverberates till it comes out in kind of ugly ways. Hope he learned that lesson!
If all else fails, were a low top shirt, cleavage helps...
the chicken lady
Good idea about the low-cut shirt, except I don't have time to run out and get a bra to prop the girls up. Maybe next year. And besides, I'm not a cleavage person. I like for people to talk to my face.
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