The Other Collagen

Somehow tonight whilst trolling around on the internet, I stumbled across what has to be the most unbelievable thing I've seen all day on the internet. I spend a fair amount of my time trolling around out there, so I've seen some dumb shit. Like the Neo Nazi who posted a personal ad on craigslist tonight. He didn't specify that he was a Neo Nazi, but the four pics of men with the Heil pose kind of gave it away. Which makes me wonder if there's some kind of Neo Nazi compound up there in the Northern Neck somewhere. And really, I don't have the time to be writing this tonight, because I've got other shit I could be doing (not a man, unfortunately though, because I would.blow.this.off.for.some.dick) but I've discovered that if it's in my head, I need to go ahead and roll with it or I'll lose it. This has happened to me at work, especially, because I can't blog at work--good call, agency--when I'll be thinking about a great blog topic, I've got several paragraphs written in my head; it's profound, it's humorous, it's good, and then I actually have to do work and by the time I get home, do dinner, run to cheerleading practice, run back home, do hateful ass second grade homework, get the kids in bed, look at craigslist, blah blah blah, it's gone. Poof! Just gone. So I have to go with it right then.

Okay, so the thing tonight. The G-Shot. Yeah, a shot of collagen right in the g-spot. I am amazed, and even more amazed that I've looked at the g-spot article on wikipedia multiple times and haven't gotten the link to the G-Shot website. Step the game up, Wikipedia! Damn. I count on you for all of my incredibly accurate information, especially since I've decided to forego the news and stuff. I think this is supposed to be the female version of Viagra. Maybe. Basically, you get a shot of collagen in your g-spot, swells the g-spot up, which means that a man with junk the size of his pinkie finger could hit it, and bam! You are good to go. And, like the collagen that goes right in your other lips (up top), this lasts for about four months.

Are you kidding me? Are you fucking kidding me? I don't even want to know how much this costs, because this must be a complete waste of money. The only benefit to this is that when your g-spot gets all filled up with collagen, no one will notice that it can't smile right any more. Jesus Christ, women will pay for anything. Anything. Is nothing sacred anymore? Okay, from head to toe, here's all the stuff we'll do. A maintenance list, if you will.

1. Hair coloring - I can talk shit about this because I'm not there yet. Give me another few years, and hello, Clairol.
2. Wax/sugar/tweeze/thread/color the eyebrows - hurts like hell when you first start. Worst mistake a woman can do is shave them. Coloring the eyebrows is good if you are able to afford it and need to make sure it looks like the drapes match the carpet (which it usually doesn't). Don't get that stuff in your eyes or you might go blind.
3. Colored contact lenses - for when you want your eyes to match your purse.
4. Eyelash coloring - no shit, you can dye your eyelashes. A continuation of the drapes and carpet perpetration. Don't get that stuff in your eyes or you might go blind.
5. Cheek implants - so you can look like Joan Rivers.
6. Dental work - this is really too much to cover.
7. Chin implants - these go a long way to getting rid of that recessive chin a la the wife in American Gothic. You know, the famous painting of the guy holding the pitchfork? No, not the picture of Anton LaVey, the other one that you learned about in school. Maybe. Depending on where you went to school.
8. Other assorted facial plastic surgery - including botox and other stuff you can get shot into your face that prevents you from being able to have expressions.
8. Neck plastic surgery - I know there is some kind of technical word for this, but I'll just call it de-jowling. Removing the hanging skin that collects on women's necks as we get older.
9. Acrylic/Gel/Satin nails - okay, I do this. French manicure. And it looks hot.
10. Regular manicure stuff - I don't do this because I can rub lotion on my hands myself just fine, thanks.
11. Bingo wing removal - another technical term I don't know. This is the removal of the fat that hangs under a woman's arms and gets longer and hangier with age. Hence, bingo wings.
12. Breast implants and lifts - because life is better with a C or D cup, right? Because life is better with a C or D cup that doesn't hang, right? Actually not, because I have a nice set of C cups, down from D cups due to my weight loss, and my girls got big enough at one point in time that I was pretty self-conscious of them. Helloooo, my face is up here.
13. Rib removal - yes, take out an extra rib so that you will be even more anorexic looking. Everyone wants to be a size -4. Uh, not me and those women look nasty. God, eat a taco or ten.
14. Liposuction/tummy tuck - okay, I've actually thought about this one. Stretch marks are a bitch, and I know it's not just in my mind. 
15. Pube removal - shave, wax, electrolysis. This means you will need to maintain it once a week or more, once a month, or never. Respectively.
16. Vajazzling - I think I've already discussed this to death. You get it.
17. The G-Shot - for women who are so uptight they can't get over that speed bump in their minds. Or they have husbands who don't know what the fuck they're doing. Or a little bit of both. Just to be a complete cunt (oh my god, did I use that word?) I try to seek these women out and engineer a conversation with them about how fabulously multi-orgasmic I am. Seriously. I do this. The conversation and the other thing.
18. Liposuction on the thighs - I think this is pretty self-explanatory.
19. Spider vein and varicose vein eradication - sounds kind of like termite control, doesn't it? I'm not there yet for this, either.
20. Other assorted hair removal on the legs, pits, back, whatever - same methods as previously mentioned. And Nair, because every woman should chemically melt hair off of their bodies at least once in their lives. Don't get that stuff in your eyes or you might go blind.
21. Pedicures - because I'm convinced that manicured toes look better than non-manicured toes propped up on someone's shoulders.
22. Other stuff that I don't know the real name of - getting your shit tightened up and claiming it's "bladder repair". Yeah, right. Nice way to cover it up for the insurance company. I had a girlfriend do this. Rest easy, men, they really can throw an extra stitch or four up in there. Oh yeah, and colon cleansing and stuff that makes you crap out most of the molecules of your body, including your brain.
23. Massages - a legitimate way to get fondled by a complete stranger and pay for it. I've done this, too. I was quite annoyed that he didn't look like Brad Pitt.
24. Spray tans - okay, I did this once. It was cheesy. You stand there bare-assed naked while some woman spray paints you orange with an airbrush gun, or whatever it's called.
25. Hair and eyelash extensions - oops, I forgot about them. What a waste of money.
26. Ass implants - so you can have a big old bubble butt. To save money, my suggestions would be to either eat a lot of fried chicken or hit the StairMaster. The first option seems like so much more fun.

I'm sure this isn't the whole list, but these are our options. Good grief. Plus makeup, hair care products, jewelry, clothing, shoes, purses, belts, key chains, birth control, monogram stickers for our cars, pole dancing lessons, personal trainers, yoga mats, diet pills, this list just goes on and on. It's no wonder men think we're so high maintenance. Because we are, and they love it.