Freakshow of the Day

Because I feel like being a total catty bitch, I'm going to decipher this personal ad so everyone will really know what women really mean.

Here it is, in totality:

I am an incredibly younger looking 35 years old gal, no one ever is convinced I'm a day above 19, that is the benefits of taking care of myself (don't drink, not a smoker, or ever taken drugs, take my nutritional vitamin supplements, avoid the sunshine, never engage in self-destructive activities)... searching for someone for some nsa entertainment! I am taller, Slim, beautiful, 36d, brownish wavy head of hair, green eyes, light skin tone, confident, lovable, interesting, ruthless, dominating when need be, humorous, smutty, and witty. I'm not hot in a very golden-haired brown barbie doll kind of way, but wholesole and organically sexy.

And now, deciphered:

I am an incredibly younger looking 35 years old gal - She wants someone younger than her.

no one ever is convinced I'm a day above 19, - Much, much younger than her. In fact, she wants you to be just a few days past your 18th birthday.

that is the benefits of taking care of myself (don't drink, not a smoker, or ever taken drugs, take my nutritional vitamin supplements, avoid the sunshine, never engage in self-destructive activities)...  -Superiority complex because she doesn't drink, doesn't smoke, doesn't do drugs and will take whatever the TV says is good for her. She avoids the sun because it might make her look, oh, I don't know, maybe 30 or so? This woman clearly never engages in self-destructive activities like trying to get a hookup with a complete stranger from the casual encounters listing on craigslist.

searching for someone for some nsa entertainment! - Commitment issues.

I am taller - She's an Amazon.

Slim - Because every woman over six feet tall looks slim.

beautiful - Her lack of a picture should not throw you off at all. At all.

36d, - Honey, we all are after we leave Victoria's Secret. Remember the water bras? They were awesome, until one side sprung a leak.

brownish wavy head of hair, - Her hair is frizzy, but wavy sounds so much better.

green eyes - Okay, I'll give her that point.

light skin tone, - Oh, god, we're all going to die at some point. Let's go out with at least a base tan.

confident, - Brash?

lovable, - And that's why she's on craigslist looking to have sex with a complete stranger.

interesting, - Interesting to note she didn't mention educated or professional. Hmmmm.

ruthless, - Uh oh. Run for the hills, boys. In women-speak, this means one thing. Ball buster.

dominating when need be, - Yep, a straight up ball buster. Verified. And, she's going to spank you.

humorous, - Hey, so am I! We should be BFF's. 

smutty,- She actually wrote slutty but then changed it because it sounded kind of bad and she was scared to own it. Chicken shit. Okay, even that made me laugh outright.

and witty. - This really means she talks back during sex, to the tune of, "What's my name, bitch?"

I'm not hot in a very golden-haired brown barbie doll kind of way, but wholesole and organically sexy. - Ohhhh, fuck. She shops at Whole Foods and doesn't shave. And I think wholesole is supposed to be wholesome. Wholesome and smutty?!? I didn't know that was possible.

So there you have it. What women really mean when they say shit like this.