Literally, I'm dying of boredom here. The first free Saturday night I've had in a month or so, and I'm doing a whole lot of nothing. Tried to go to sleep, but was too keyed up from the gallon of sweet tea I just drank, so now I've switched to booze in hopes it'll bring me back down and get me off of this hormonal jag of loneliness and feeling like I really don't want to get into an empty bed tonight. Trolling around on the internet, because I can't seem to bring myself to turn on the TV, or my electronic babysitter as The Ex used to call it. Whatever. That from someone who sat around with a fucking headset on while he played World of Warcraft.
There's no one on facebook I want to chat with, I'm obviously not going to be getting laid tonight, I don't want to read because I forgot the book I'm really digging at work, I haven't met the love of my life and/or hook up of my life on this online dating site, and I'm so bored I signed up for a cougar dating site. What the fuck? All of one page of guys from Richmond on there, and all the women look like Mary Beth Letourneau. If you don't know who that is, google it, bitch. I don't think I've slaughtered the name too much.
My life has come to mean instant gratification. Technology has fucked me up like this. I refused to get a cell phone until I was 29, and that was only at the insistence of The Ex when I was pregnant with the older daughter, because of me driving back and forth to work at night sometimes. And then I refused to give the number out because I didn't want anyone calling me. When I finally started giving the number out, I insisted that no one call me because I didn't want to talk to them. Call me at home, goddammit. And then, when texting started, I refused that. I refused that until about three or four years ago, when I finally figured out this would pre-empt about 58 mindless conversations with The Ex per day that ALL had to end with "I love you." So... that might have been yet another indicator that the marriage was going south. But I still told people not to call me. I'll call YOU when I'm ready to talk.
And then, the separation occurred. My cell phone became my lifeline, along with me pacing around the neighborhood at night talking to my family and friends because The Ex couldn't eavesdrop on me from a block away. Then I got a new phone with a new provider, with my own name, so he couldn't access my phone records. The cell phone really became my lifeline, because I was good to go. Then, I figured out how to get facebook on it. Oh, god, that was then end of me repelling instant gratification. Now, I'm attached to the damn phone. I check that bastard all the time, I carry it around with me, I'm checking facebook, I'm googling myself, all kinds of stupid shit. Now, I give my number out willy-nilly and just tell everyone to call me on my cell. Of course, this is largely due to the fact that when I got my home service hooked up, I never bothered to set up the voice mail and now I don't know how to. So if the school calls, the doctor's office, someone, they'll call my cell because I have absolutely no idea how to set up my voice mail and calling the provider isn't going to be worth the intellectual pain it will cause me.
I've been on this new, paid online dating site for about, oh, I don't know, less than 36 hours and jesus! Why do I attract such fucking goofball men? I mean, I don't think it's my looks because I think I look okay and non-goofbally myself. I never know what men think when they either see me in person or online - no fucking idea. Most of them just kind of look at me in a very surprised way at first, and I never can figure that out. I'm left wondering, is my hair sticking out funny? Is there something on my shirt? Something stuck in my teeth? Why are you looking at me like that? I don't get it. So why am I getting these goofball guys? I've had one dipshit email me, and about 8 wink at me, which I suppose is this websites way of giving you a chance to test the waters before sending an email. If someone winks at me, and I like his profile, I can do one of three things, or two of three things, or any fucking combination, I suppose. I can ignore it, I can respond (with either a wink of my own, or a no thanks response) or I can send an email. I've emailed one guy, and since I refuse pay any more money to upgrade even further, I can't tell if he's read my email or not. I'm not going to stalk his profile to see how long it's been since he's been on, because you can see who has viewed your profile most recently, and I don't think there's any way you can hide that. Because I've looked. I winked at one guy, and haven't gotten a response back on that either. I actually think the winking is kind of gay, but I have some concerns about emailing a whole bunch of men and then getting a whole bunch of responses and I only have time to go out with one of them, what with my career, single parenthood, school activities, second grade homework and cheerleading, not to mention my super fabulous blog. Because what the fuck would I do if I sent out a whole bunch of winks and emails to a whole bunch of hot guys and a whole bunch of them responded? Oh my god, how would I choose? So I'm just kind of creeping along, like some kind of snail, leaving a trail of slime (or vibrator lube) behind me.
I'm annoyed that I can't find any blogs like mine. Long and painfully drawn out posts, but achingly sincere in the most humorous way, with the f-bomb dropped often and with glee. Where are these other women? I'd like to do the blog hook up kind of thing with them, but I refuse to get involved with some other woman blogging about her fantastic recipe for chutney or whatever. I also don't want to hook up with other women blogging about how tearful she became when it was time to cut little Johnny's hair for the first time. I want to hook up with women who are going through a crazy change of life, just want to get laid well and often by a guy who actually knows what all the girl parts are. I want to hook up with some other woman who spends at least 30 minutes out of each day looking at the casual encounters ads on craiglist because that's all the penis she's going to get to see for the day. I want to hook up with some other woman who doing something like this, because maybe this is someone I can learn from, someone who can help me make my blog better. Girls!!!! Where the fuck are you? I can't be alone in this, I just simply can't.
I've got one main homeslice, from back in the day of 4th grade through high school, who has linked me up on his blog, and he gives me awesome feedback. I think his blog is awesome and I'm really flattered that he's hooking me up with posting my shit on other places, but at the end of the day, he's still got more testosterone than estrogen. And by the way, homeslice, your bloggerdom hook ups totally make up for the time in 10th grade when I got so shit-faced drunk at that party and you and another guy kept talking about me eating a greasy ham sandwich out of a dirty ashtray until I puked my spleen out, passed out for a little while and ended up at the nearby men's college and you STOLE MY BEER. Why can't I end up drunk at a men's college now? But anyway, if you know of any like minded women who blog, hook a sister up, please. Pretty please, with cherries on top? [And this would be where I duck my head just a little bit and blink my eyes a whole lot, because that usually gets me what I want, except for me ending up drunk at a men's college tonight].
Oh my god, it's only 11:04pm. I've got one hard lemonade left and three Bud Lights. Honestly, I've been out of the habit of drinking beer for so long I'm not sure what good beer is. During the days of clubbing, I usually stuck with Michelob and Heineken, but are those douchebag beers? And then, when I got married, I stopped drinking beer and most everything else altogether because if I didn't drink it all in one setting, The Ex would think I didn't want it and would drink it for himself, or he would make suggestive comments for the entire duration of me drinking whatever about how he might get the backdoor. Yeah, fuck you. I said no just to be a complete bitch. Anyway, maybe I need to switch to Corona. Need good 36+1 year old, separated and freakishly horny woman, beer recommendations. Y'all read my blog, what's the best beer for my personality, because I really don't think it's Bud Light. Nothing dark and heavy, like Guinness or any of that other shit. I don't need the beer to taste good, I just need the beer to match my personality and super cute hairdo without making me look like a bimbo.
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