Sometimes in life, things don't turn out right. For some reason or the other, there is a failure, a lapse, a moment in time that either wasn't meant to be or didn't happen altogether. Or maybe it was a moment in time that happened, but it never should have. We know it when it happens, and we might even see it coming, but we can't stop it from happening. We're so desperate for something to happen that we'll make anything happen.
I feel like my life is one big blob of all of the above, things that didn't happen, never should have happened, or were inevitable from the beginning. It's this train of stuff I can't seem to get off, thus making me feel almost like a trainwreck in the making. I can't seem to break out of this destructive cycle, and I can't seem to make the right things happen. It's very discouraging sometimes.
I'm not ready for this whole dating thing. I'm probably not emotionally ready to get laid, although I'd like to think differently. I thought I might possibly be ready to stick my big toe back in the gene pool, but I'm not. I've collected about 17 guys on this website that want to meet me, plus the other ten or so who emailed me and I don't want to meet any of them. They're mostly unattractive (high physical standards are a bitch), uneducated (high educational standards are a bitch), probably have issues worse than mine (yes, high emotional standards are a bitch), and they may not be looking for what they say they are looking for (high ethical standards are a bitch). This gene pool is murky, filled with slime that will ooze between my toes and make me scream like a little bitch, and it has that ever-so-slight smell of algae and decaying vegetation. I thought it would be crystal clear, like the waters down in the Caribbean, the kind of water that's warm and inviting and makes you feel good. But this gene pool isn't like that. I'm not ready for that shit.
The real problem here is that I'm caught between this feeling that maybe I should just hang back, and wait and see what happens, which is directly oppositional to my need to reach out and grab life by the balls. I'm stuck somewhere between the two and not quite sure which is the route for me. A bad decision could await me at either turn.
And so tonight, I hid my profile on this stupid online dating website, and I've crawled back into myself to just keep working on me.
1 comment:
You are wiser than you think. Don't rush it. When the time is right, things will happen for you. I don't trust this online dating thing anyway.
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