Personal Ad Draft #2

I think a week of eating complete shit and birthday cake might have caught up with me. Or it might be that having food in the house since the children moved back home has caught up with me. I'm not sure if I've just gotten used to the way that the smaller Steph looks in the mirror, or if I gained a few pounds back. Which means that I'm on the water diet for the next week or month or so. I've got a bachelorette party next weekend, a camping thing the weekend after, a wedding cookout-reception thing two weeks after that and dinner with some former co-workers the weekend after that. I might actually be developing a social life. It's been so long, I'm not quite sure. The camping thing should be interesting, because I don't camp and don't own one piece of anything that would be required for camping. In fact, I have absolutely no intention of buying any camping shit since I don't camp. I'll go, hang out, stay sober and drive back home. Really, my version of camping is me holed up in the Omni or the Jefferson, wearing a pair of four inch heels sucking down some champagne whilst I nibble on strawberries. And not by myself.

Round two on the personal ad thing. I'm still out there trolling around on craigslist, because I'm a peeper, I guess. I look at match.com periodically to see if I know anyone on there (one guy! so weird! even weirder! I saw a guy I know on adultfriendfinder.com! omg!) but you can't do anything more than look at the thumbnails without joining. I screwed around and tried to join one night, but I made up all of these stupid ass answers because I didn't really want to seriously join. I'm not ready for that yet, and it kind of feels like man-shopping. But I just want to look. I make up all of these dumbass answers to hurry up and just join so I can see more than a thumbnail and I got rejected. Fuck. I guess someone out there really does read that stuff. I suppose if I ever want to join (which I won't because it's match.com and I'd be embarrassed to admit I met someone on match.com) I'll have to come up with a whole new anonymous asshole email and go through that rigamarole again. Geez.

Officially, round two:

Hmmm, okay, I actually like what I already have. I need to work something in there about me being an alpha female and remove some of the sexual innuendos, because I don't want anyone thinking that I'm oversexed or anything. I'm actually not oversexed, for your information, I just tend to focus on things that I'm not getting, largely because I'm human and that's what we do. For example, you'll never hear me discuss oxygen or food, because I'm getting both of those on the regular. I should also probably specify no redheads. And men with the same name as The Ex, because my history with men with THAT name is poor. Very poor, to the point of exceptionally poor. I like to think that this is not me being picky, this is me defining my limits, which is way overdue.  I may also remove some of the foul language, although I would think that would be pretty important information to cover, because I curse. A lot. But not around people's moms and kids and church people. I do have some manners. But yeah, generally I have a nasty mouth and I'm okay with it and whomever I end up with, well, they'll need to be okay with it, too because I'm not changing to suit someone else. Take me as I am, bitches. 

Me: Well educated, divorced, attractive alpha female in her mid-30's back on the market after a long and often dreadful hiatus. I'm even smarter than I am pretty with a witty sense of humor and have two children who live with me during the school year. Gainfully employed and able to retire on time. Largely debt free because I don't overspend and I think it's more important to be happy with what we've already got versus what we could have. Love to read, but only if it's as well written as the stuff I write. Only some TV viewing, because I think the trash TV that I watch should only be high quality. Movies are good if they involve heavy weaponry and/or hot men. Hot men with rocket launchers or in mechanized artillery is a preferable genre. In pretty good shape, but not so thin that you can see my spleen in operation. I have some nice curves, so if you need to date a twig, good luck with that. Well groomed, well dressed and well spoken, as long as alcohol is not involved. Totally not 420 friendly because I get drug tested and I'm saving myself for retirement, but I am a socially imbibing brunette who remembers stuff the next day. Not much in the cooking department, but I've got other departments covered pretty well, and besides, we can eat out. A couple of discreet tattoos because we all make stupid mistakes in our younger twenties. I do tend to curse periodically, so don't be offended. I do my own yard work and can totally rock out my Makita and DeWalt power tools.  I live my life by the maxims of "go hard or go home", and "bring your A game".  Oh, yeah, and I talk mad trash.

You: Educated trash talking alpha male, with at least a bachelor's degree because I'm not putting anyone else through college that did not enter the world through my vagina. As attractive as me. That means your hair is cut short and your face sees a razor or clippers several times throughout the week, and if you are wearing a bear skin on your chest, back and/or shoulders (yuuuuuuckkkkk), please wax it off or look for another woman. Divorced, with kids, because I need for your time to be as full of your children as my time is of my children. Good sense of humor and doesn't mind an off-color joke here or there. You must have a legal job and that means you are not getting paid under the table. I'm fine with you having a tool shed, as long as it's not in the garage conversion process. However, it will be a huge bonus for me if you're cut, though. No younger than 32 and no older than 42 because I'm too old to housebreak anyone and/or deal with really established bad habits. Alcoholics and drug addicts need not apply, unless you've been in recovery for at least a year, and even then, we'll see. Don't be in arrears for child support. Period. Felons and violent misdemeanants, move along, because we just won't see eye to eye. If you've had a DUI, I can deal with that as long as you've finished your SR-22. Military and law enforcement types are welcome, because you can probably handle me, but no home-grown militia men or neo-Nazis. Liberals, Prius owners, redheads, ectomorphs, racists and insecure jerk-offs who fart all the time, please be aware, I am not the woman for you.

Okay, I kind of like that. I might be on to something. I'll give it another couple of months, see what happens in my brain and in my life, and maybe edit a little more.