So I'm not done with the online dating thing. I changed my mind yet again. What really happened is that I was attracting a lot of bottom feeders and I got freaked out. I was getting an insane amount of emails, guys liking me, guys wanting to hook up, and it was too much. I haven't had this much attention since the last time I walked through a chow hall in prison. So I just needed to crawl back into myself and try to figure out WHY ARE ALL OF THESE UGLY MOTHERFUCKERS GETTING IN TOUCH WITH ME?????
Like I said, bottom feeders. These dudes are u.g.l.y. And yes, I am a shallow, shallow bitch when it comes to looks. I'm sorry, but I don't date ugly guys. I've got that +/-2 thing going on. No one under a 5, no one over a 9. And if I have a choice between an 8 and 5, well, guess which one I'm going with? And no, this isn't part of me raising my standards, because I've always been shallow like this. So if you're reading this, and we've ever dated, consider yourself lucky. Not many make the cut, despite all my shit talking. I'm raising my standards in other areas, but I'm good with what I like in the way of appearances.
I don't know about a whole lot about fishing, other than the best nightcrawlers come from a pig pen, and that actually having to touch one makes me scream, but if I had to classify myself as a fish, it would be a top feeder. I just looked that up on Wikipedia, and there is no such thing, but I'm going to make it a thing. We'll call a top feeder the exact opposite of a bottom feeder. So I don't know what kind of fish eat off the top, or even float around up there, but if I had to pick one that I would classify as a top feeder, it would be a koi. I don't know anything about koi for real, other than what I see at the large public park in the city with fancy Japanese and Italian gardens. But they have tons of koi, and they seem very pretty and quite intelligent. That's definitely me. I'm a koi. And I think that as a koi, I would not mix well with a catfish or even a sea cucumber, which sounds kind of dirty.
But that's what I'm getting. Catfish. And other bottom feeders. And I don't want catfish. I want other pretty fish that float around near the top and will take me over to the side of the pond where the children throw their goldfish crackers in, and I want that pretty koi to catch goldfish for me and whisper stuff about what we'll do in the deep part of the pond later. So I kind of freaked out, and hid my profile, and then went to another site that a faithful reader had pointed me to (shout out!) and got registered with them. And was a little more selective in trying to describe what I want. In fact, here's a blurb from my profile: "I would prefer to get to know men who are college educated, professionally employed, have children, are taller than me, have a good sense of humor, clean cut (a little stubble = good; a mountain man beard = not good) and a little cocky. I'm a little shallow about looks, but at least I'm woman enough to admit it. I'd also prefer that you live in the metro Richmond area." Yeah, that's actually on my profile. I'm trying to weed through the bottom feeders. I mean, is this so fucking hard to find????
I must have overdone it, because my inbox is seeing the same amount of action as some of my girl parts, because nothing is happening. I open my inbox and hear *crickets*. Nothing. I will say, though, there are about 100,000 less users on this site than the previous one, so I've eliminated a bunch of guys, maybe 50 to 60k of them? And the other thing is that this website actually matches people based upon their personalities--well, kind of--so I've got guys I'm a good match with, but they are not my type physically. I'm sorry, I'm not going to go out with someone who fucking looks like Ted Kaczynski. Or John Boy. Or Mr. T. Or a redhead. Or a liberal. And no, I can't go outside of the box on this one. Sorry. Just won't do it.
As for these ugly guys, well, I don't have to be nice and answer all of these emails. I'll ignore that some of these guys have emailed me more than once. Okay, if I have responded in a day or two, I'm probably not. Move the fuck on. If I've seen you on craigslist, or a whole other new website I just found out about that's like craigslist but with video chat, I won't be getting back with you. Ever. And thanks for using the same pics on all of these sites, it helps me to weed you bottom feeders out.
The other issue that I have is that I realized tonight I don't have time for this shit. I don't have time to date. My weekends are booked up through the beginning to middle of November, and my weeknights are not free at all, what with the children and homework and school activities and The Ex bringing them back early so he can go and do whatever the fuck he does, so I might possibly be able to pencil someone in here or there. If they're hot, and talk mad game, I might totally erase a camping thing like I did this past weekend and Sharpie you in. But that doesn't seem to be the norm here. Where can I find the hot, educated and employed guy website?
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