What Did I Do?

Oh my god. My brain is aching. I need some TV sounds in my head. A mere 24 hours since I imposed The Moratorium and I'm freaking dying here. This no TV thing might just be harder on me than it is on the children, but dammit, if I am going to force them to go cold turkey I guess I have to do it too.

We came home this evening and the girls elected to play outside while I got dinner ready. Awesome. They weren't all up under my feet arguing who's turn it was to stir. I enjoyed the sounds of childish laughter floating in through the front door, and I was glad that they were outside doing something halfway creative like creating an obstacle course in the driveway. I looked out at them at one point and the older daughter was teaching the younger daughter how to hold a bat. And they were getting along, which was even more amazing. I'll assume they decided to become one in their loss of the box that fills their head with complete shit.

I explained over dinner that this isn't a punishment, but this is us making a decision to live a better life. They both looked at me doubtfully, and I thought to myself, fuck, I don't even believe that drivel. And then I said that when the reading improves, then I'll look at maybe watching a very little bit of TV. The younger daughter pointed out that she can't read yet. I told her that she'll be learning soon and that's more important than watching TV. The older daughter asked if I was still going to watch TV. I told them, no, I'm not going to watch TV in front of them. And I'm not. But I am sure as hell going to watch it when they aren't here and when they're sleeping. Then they asked about Survivor, which we usually watch on demand on Friday nights. I said that if I thought the reading and school work had improved, maybe, just maybe, we could watch it next Friday night on demand. What I didn't tell them is that I plan to watch it this Friday night on demand because I can't wait until next Friday night. Then they asked if they could still watch TV at The Ex's house, and smiled sneaky little smiles at each other when I explained that was up to their father. Whatever. The children are with me for the majority of the time, until the summer, and we're not going to watch TV. Even if it kills me. And I am thinking tonight it's going to kill me.

As the evening wore on and we did homework and read, I felt the urge to hear the electronic voices drifting out of the TV, now shuttered in the entertainment center. I could feel the magnetic pull of the TV, calling me, Steph... Steph... turn me on. Did I mention I've got a headache now, probably from resisting the call of HGTV, the Food Network, Bravo, Style, Tru, Discovery, even Anderson Cooper? I'm fucking dying here. But I can do this. One day at a time. I have to be the one to be firm on this, dammit, since I imposed The Moratorium. The Ban.

The book the children selected to read tonight, before we got started with homework? Of all the books in the house, they wanted to read the Bible. Oh my god. Are you kidding me? Their father would be so proud and I could hear his passive-aggressive comment about maybe Mommy could learn something by reading the Bible. I could hear this because I actually have heard this before. But I sucked it up, because reading is reading at this point. I'm not going to be choosy about what they read. My younger daughter had to stop in the middle and say a prayer about Noah and the rain. I opened one eye and watched her during the prayer and didn't even know what to think, other than the church stuff The Ex is doing with the children on his weekends must really be sticking.

Reading is reading. This what I'm trying to remember.