Weddings

I really made an honest effort not to get sucked into the whole royal wedding thing. Really, I did make an effort. But what woman can deny the real-life fairy tale that was unfolding on television? Not me, that's for sure. However, I did not get up at 4:00am to watch it, and my children didn't either. At that time of the morning, I will be roused for two things: crying children and sex. But not together. No, no, no. Oh, and a tornado. I would drag my tired ass out of the bed at 4:00am for a tornado. Crying children, tornadoes and sex. And they all better be legitimate. Bring your A game, because that's all I have the patience for at that time of the morning.

The royal wedding dress was gorgeous and as a woman who doesn't wear a lot of  any clothing that is revealing ,(although I did buy a super cute halter top the other day to surprise Guy #1 except... I need to lose ten pounds first) I was relieved to see the bride in a dress that was modern, classy, unfussy, unfrilly, and covered her up very nicely. Hopefully this will start a new trend of women not looking like strippers walking down the aisle. It reminded me of my own wedding, except she looked happy, relaxed and really thin. I, on the other hand, was none of those. I have got to get back on my diet. My ass is getting FAT. Guy #1 insists it's PHAT, but he's not the one having to lay down on the bed to zip up his jeans. But kudos to him for liking a fat ass! And yay for Prince William for marrying a brunette! I don't care what anyone says, there's nothing better than being a brunette. Because we can go out and get drunk and still remember it the next day. 

I found out last weekend that The Ex is getting married, and strangely, since the announcement was made public, the children have never said anything to me about it. I never asked, not even after the odd and stilted email he sent me on Monday to discuss "the changes that are occurring in this household". I didn't acknowledge his email, because I know how much it pisses him off if I don't acknowledge his emails and texts. I sent him an email on Tuesday about doctor's appointments and copays for the children in the next couple of weeks, and he never acknowledged that. Hello, dumbass, there's a big difference in me not acknowledging your impending nuptials and you not acknowledging that you have to cover these copays. But whatever, motherfucker, we can play that game. So when he dropped the children off tonight, I asked for the copay for the follow-up appointment for the older daughter's foot situation. He acted stupid. I stood on the front porch and looked at him and asked if he got the email I sent. He said he did and I said I needed the copay.

Then I asked if he had ended our gym membership, because this was the last joint membership that we had kept after the separation because it was cheaper for us to keep the family membership and me pay him monthly than for us to join separately. But since we've determined we won't be using that gym for our summer camp or summer pool membership, I said that I didn't want to continue to have a family membership with him. I asked him about this because since we had already discussed it two weeks ago, I decided in my head that effective May 1st, I wasn't going to give him another fucking dime towards it in the event he forgot to end the membership. He said that he hadn't ended the membership, but he would just take my name off of it and put another name on it in my place. Okay, I know what your girlfriend's name is. You can say it around me. I suppose that was his dig at me to let me know yet again I've been replaced. Whatever again, douchebag. I said fine and have a good weekend. What he doesn't realize is that he might have replaced me, but I've upgraded. So there, bitch. It works for me better because now the children still have that membership and I don't have to pay a dime towards it. I like it!

But when the children and I were watching a rerun of the royal wedding tonight, it was suddenly announced by the younger daughter that her father and his girlfriend are getting married. She asked if I knew and I said yes, The Ex had emailed me about it. If you remember, I posted sometime last year about our "card" games, and I thought to myself when he sent that email, he thought it was his ace in the hole. For what, I'm not sure, but it ended up actually being an 6 card. Can't beat much with that, dickface. My ace card was that I still haven't acknowledged the nuptials to him and I'm pretty sure I'm going to act oblivious and stupid through the whole thing to him. My passive-aggressive is way better than his passive-aggressive.

I did ask the children, though, when they were getting married. I was just curious since he didn't mention that in the email. October, they reported, because his girlfriend has lots of work stuff to do in September. Yes, everyone should get married six months after their divorce is finalized. I just checked the internet and her house isn't for sale yet. She better hurry up, because this housing market still stinks. Maybe I should just list it for rent on craigslist. Every woman should have a future husband with an ex-wife as nice and considerate as me to list their house for rent. That can be my wedding present to them. Maybe I'll list his house for rent, too, just to cover all of their bases. ALL YOUR BASE ARE BELONG TO US!

The most annoying thing to me is that I finally feel like I'm getting to the place where I can actually start to call Guy #1 my boyfriend, and now, very irrationally, I feel like I can't because I'll always think it was in reaction to finding out The Ex is engaged. I am exceptionally bothered by the fact that he's rushing the children through so many stages so fast that I have to go extra slow. I mean, I've been dating Guy #1 for six months and he's finally met my children. Just as I'm getting over this hump... boom. I don't know if my children are ready for all of this. Life goes so fast for kids anyway that all of this must be happening in the blink of an eye. I just don't want to add to the fast-forward they've been put on. Getting over the whole boyfriend verbiage has been hard for me, and god knows, Guy #1 has been patient. He has been more patient with me than I think any man ever has been. I don't know what to do to get over this hump. I'm annoyed because I feel like I'm right there, at the top of the roller coaster, and now some dumbass a few cars back is having a panic attack and they have to stop the whole damn thing to get that one person off, and in the meanwhile, I'm just waiting. It's.... right.... there.... but I'm still here.

And so, that's where I am right now. Trying to get over the hump.