Gems for the...

Vajazzle. Ever heard of it? It made the news several months ago, when Jennifer Love Hewitt went on some talk show and discussed vajazzle, and that she has vajazzled her vajayjay. Apparently, this involves getting a Brazilian wax and then using some kind of hot glue to glue rhinestones on your stuff. I'm not kidding. Google it. The preemptive wax job is imperative because no one wants weird glue stuck in their pubes. But seriously, who the hell thought this up? Why are women actually getting this done? And how has the vagina, the shining light and trophy of childbirth and all subsequent motherhood, come to be named the vajayjay?

Personally, because this blog is all about being personal, even if it makes you uncomfortable (because it's really all about me), I will never vajazzle. I can't imagine spending money on that. Honestly, I think it's a little tacky. Since I'm from the South, the word tacky really means so much more than just not okay. It's one of those loaded Southern words that I will continue to perpetrate because I love being from the South, although some in my state argue that we are not a part of the South - helloooo, anyone remember the capital of the Confederacy? But back to tacky. Tacky basically means in bad taste, but again, it's one of those loaded Southern words that really means so much more. To say something is tacky is to pretty much end the conversation; it's THE final word. And most Southern women, once someone has thrown the word tacky out there, will not argue it. They know it's true, and there is just no defense for tackiness.

Hot gluing rhinestones, or swarovski crystals (which are just expensive rhinestones) on your junk just strikes me as unnecessary. Obviously, it's not real hot glue, like the kind of hot glue women use for craft projects, because that stuff gets hot enough to melt your skin off. I must assume it's like the kind of medical superglue they use to glue incisions together when stitches are either unavailable (like the battlefield and ambulance crews in the projects) or not so pretty (plastic surgery). I got my tubes tied a few months ago and this is what they used for my incision. Of course, the doctor got a little slap happy with that stuff and not only glued my belly button shut, but also glued the band-aid to me, so I finally ended up cutting the band-aid off a few days later only to have the little white band-aid pad glued to my abdomen. It was not sexy. I'll have to assume the vajazzle jewels are glued on with this stuff, which does wear off, and probably wears off quicker with some horizontal friction. So that means you either have to then superglue them back on yourself, or take them back to the salon for said gluing.

But the original question - why do this? Do you need that much attention on your genitals? Are you that insecure with who you are that you have resorted to gluing gems and glitter and such on yourself for those private moments? I mean, really, I hope whatever you've got glued on down there is not the highlight of that encounter, because if it is... well, then, I'm just sorry for you. I could probably understand someone in adult entertainment doing this, because that industry is all about the attention. They aren't doing what they do because they want people to pay attention to their brains. But Jane Q. Public? Come on, girls, let's just be more than our vaginas. 

I've never had anyone ask me if I vajazzle. I'm a little sorry for that, but yet still waiting. It might happen one day, if I'm lucky. And then I will have the wondrous opportunity of explaining to them that me vajazzling would be the equivalent of taking some fabulous mink-lined gloves, and sticking craft rhinestones all over them. Yeah, mink-lined. And don't call your shit vajayjay. Have more respect for that shining light of womanhood. Please.