One of my bestest friends in the world came into town last night; I had not seen her in a couple of years, at least, but we keep up on the phone pretty regular. She's one of those awesome friends where you can go six months without talking and when you do, it's like you didn't miss any time. I am eternally grateful to have a few friends like that, no awkwardness, no trying to reestablish that comfort zone, just screaming and yelling "Hey ho! I missed your ass!"
We went out to dinner, where I was hoping to at least get hit on, but no dice. And the waiter was queer as a football bat, and I imagine he's getting more action than I am. My girlfriend and I were laughing and the subject came up about the incredibly stupid stuff that women will do for each other. I assume that men will do stupid stuff for each other, but it can't be as intimate and personal as the stupid stuff that women do. It just can't. I first came to this realization when I was getting my second Brazilian waxing. I couldn't do anything more than lay there in absolute fear the first time convincing myself that this was truly an-eye-on-the-prize kind of moment in life. But the second time, yeah, I knew what to expect, so I didn't need to focus on when that ripping sound and the accompanying pain would occur. I was laying on the massage table, with my legs frogged up, which means that my feet were drawn up sole to sole with my legs flat. Kind of like how a frog lays when you dissect them, except I missed that part of biology class in 10th grade because I was on a six week expulsion. So anyway, as the aesthetician (fancy French name for pussy waxer) was rooting around down there chasing all of my stray hairs and ripping them out alternately with wax and tweezers, I was thinking... This is some crazy shit that women will do for each other. First of all, it's crazy that this salon has like five aestheticians and they do nothing but wax for eight hours a day. That's crazy, too, that so many women are willing to pay in the range of 50 dollars a pop, plus tip, to have their pubic hair removed when it's only going to grow back. Whenever I'm in some compromising position such as this, I like to imagine that I'm probably not the worst looking person she's looked at all day, and that my vagina is really nothing special to this woman. Kind of like the gynecologist. But I was laying there on the table, thinking, this is absolutely insane, what we women will do for one another. Here, wax my genitals, get it all sparkly clean, and then I'll flip over so you can do the back door, too. Yeah, they do that too, and it's included! No extra charge! Yay!
We will midwife for one another. Okay, that's not so crazy because that's what we women have been doing for pretty much the history of the human race, but I think it's kind of crazy now. Childbirth is really messy, I mean, really extra messy. I was so glad I was in the hospital both times because good grief, what a mess. All of it just got swept right off the bed into the bio hazard can, and I was grateful for that. Just poof! Bring a child into the world, do the most amazing thing a woman will probably ever do, but let's make sure that blood clot that's the size of a liver, and looks like a liver, gets right into the proper receptacle. I couldn't be a midwife. I just don't have the stomach for it. I'm cool with it though, because that's one more thing that we do for each other.
My girlfriend who came to visit, she's loaned her house out to other girlfriends for their extracurricular activities. Because she knows what it's like to be in a marriage that sucks ass. She knows what it's like to meet that one person, that one man, who can breathe on your neck and make the world stop. She knows what two hours of privacy can mean to a girlfriend who hasn't had any privacy since she realized she mistakenly married an insecure stalker. No, I'm not talking about me, and no, I'm not going to get into my views on extracurricular activities, other than to say extracurricular activities generally only happen when someone's business is not being taken care of. To each her own. I'm working hard to just take people as they are and not pass judgement because I've passed judgement on people who have been where I am now, and I feel like a total ass for it.
I have a girlfriend at work who got her nose pierced a few months ago, and the stud was so small that it kind of fell through her nose because her nostril was swollen after the piercing. Or something like that, I was grossed out by the whole thing and kept running back to my office when the conversation came about. But this stud, it kind of fell through and was getting lost in the nostril and the swollen tissue, so what did my girl do? She called another co-worker and had her dig up in her nose with her long pinkie fingernail to get that mother out. Yeah, I didn't stick around for that either, but I called and laughed on the intercom. There's no way you could have called a man for that. First of all, do you really want a man digging up in your nose? And secondly, do you really want a man with a long pinkie fingernail digging up in your nose? I think not. But the digging co-worker, she just jumped right to it. No bitching, no whining, just washed her hands and dug up in my girls nostril to get that thing out and put it back in the piercing. I was impressed.
Women will answer the call of women they don't even know. Find a crowd of women you don't know, and ask someone for a tampon because it's an emergency. Everyone there will be digging through their purses for you, except for that one woman who will inevitably announce she's had a hysterectomy, so thank God, she doesn't need those damn things anymore. Women will throw sanitary products at you, because they've all been there. They know how crucial an emergency is. Ask for a condom, though, and there will be that long discussion about when the last time was they got some, what's he look like, how long have you known him, are you on birth control too, what kind of equipment is he working with, what kind of equipment their men are not working with, and do you need more than one?
Sometimes in life, I wonder what it would be like to be a man. This normally occurs when I know I'm getting screwed in some manner, and not the good kind of screwing, but I feel like this screwing that is either happening or trying to happen might not happen if I were a man. But such is life, I assume. At the end of the day, I'm glad to be a part of that craziness that women will do for each other.
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