I try to think back to life before the iPod, and I really can't. I mean, I obviously can, but how did I survive without an iPod? Life was all about signing up for kazaa, limewire or some other shitty service where most of the song titles or musicians were incorrect, and then downloading a bunch of tunes and burning it onto a disc that you could listen to. You also got the priviledge of downloading a virus or two as well. But you could only get about 20 or so songs on a CD, and if you have OCD, like me, you needed those songs to be of the same type of genre and in some type of alphabetical order, which meant you had a lot of CDs to tote around.
I got an iPod a few years ago for Christmas, a little 4gig nano, when the new nanos came out. Life changed for me, because I got one of those accoutrement's to be able to play the iPod in the car, and then figured out how to get the input/output on my work computer set so I could hook the iPod into that. And poof! My favorite selections of music all the time. I get so tired of listening to the radio, because they play the same songs over and over and over again, and they talk too damn much. Yes, I know they have bills to pay too, but damn. I don't need to hear the same commercial for penis growth or extenders or supplements, whatever it is that I'm sure is just snake oil, all the time. Life with an iPod is good, until you fill that mother up. Since I'm too cheap to go buy an iPod with more gigs, I've had to be selective with which songs to put on it. I'm up to about 579 songs right now, but I've had to remove a few to make room for the new ones.
Of course, everyone thinks they have the most eclectic selection of music on their iPod, just as they will tell you they have the most eclectic collection of books. Have you ever noticed that no one ever wants to admit they have the most eclectic collection of porn? You never hear anyone bragging about that. Because it's not eclectic, it's probably more freakish and deviant. But enough of that sidebar. Of course, I used to think that too, that I have the most eclectic collection of iPod songs. But I don't want to be that person anymore. I have shit on my iPod that I like, and a few songs on there that my kids like, and if someone (The Ex) doesn't like it, then just hang the fuck in there and wait for me to walk away.
So my random iPod selection for today is Matchbox Twenty's "How Far We've Come". My random selection isn't about critiquing the band, or analyzing the lyrics, because I'm not that good. I will never be a Rolling Stone correspondent. I don't know enough about the band, or the lyrics to really wax poetical about it. My random selection is more about what I think about when I hear the song, and what it means to me. This song... liberal tripe. I used to feel guilty about paying for, via download, music that was not conservative friendly. I really had a lot of guilt over downloading the Dixie Chicks (and I don't even like country music) because I felt like I had cheated on Dubya. It was my dirty little Republican secret, but like all dirty little secrets that we feel somewhat ashamed about, it felt kind of good, too. But then a friend of mine from high school gave me a pass and said that when it comes to music, politics doesn't count. Good enough benediction for me.
I don't really like Matchbox Twenty, and this is the only song of theirs that I have. I don't watch videos, so I don't know what the band interpreted the song to be, but I think I saw the vid once or twice years ago and it's a statement of where we, a country, are now, and what's wrong with it. Kind of like the new version of R.E.M's "It's the End of the World As We Know It" but not as good. I know this Matchbox song got played whenever CNN needed a 30 to 45 second montage of something and wanted to make a statement about America, the economy, the war, etc. If I recall correctly, and I usually do, I think this song came out about the time that Obama was a freshman Senator from Illinois, and scuttlebutt whisperings started about how he might just be our next JFK. Actually, my statement about me recalling correctly is just mad smack talking on my behalf. Because I love to talk shit and stuff. More on that in another blog. The other reason I like the song is that there's something in it, maybe the drum beat, that reminds me of U2's "Sunday Bloody Sunday", which is definitely one of my most favorite songs ever.
This song, this song makes me think of where I am right now. I disengaged myself from a not-so-great (or worse) marriage, told him it was okay to blame me because I just couldn't lie anymore about loving him, refused to go to counseling because counseling wasn't going to make me love him, and walked the hell away with my dignity packed up in a bunch of boxes for me to piece together at a later time. It's been a little over six months since I told him I wanted a divorce, and in that time, I lived the absolute worst three to four months of my life (which hasn't all been bread and butter), really fought within myself to not seek some type of psychiatric hospitalization or at least heavy psychotropic medications, got involved in one really ugly domestic dispute involving the po-lice, because that's what we call them in the South. I managed to buy a house and move the FUCK out with absolutely no desire to ever go back down that nasty, bumpy, dysfunctional road. I've dealt with lies, manipulations, accusations, threats, some of the worst passive-aggressiveness I've ever encountered, insecurity, intimidation, and at least one not-so-fabulous attempt at being blackmailed. A lot of it throughout the course of the marriage, but the worst of it during the separation. As a caveat, let me just throw this out there - I am not, nor was I the victim of this marriage. I wholly contributed to most of the dysfunction. I always feel like I need to say that, because I don't want people to feel sorry for me. I got myself into this whole mess with an "I do" that probably never should have happened, and by God, I'll get myself out of it. Anyway, the game playing continues, but whatev. I'm learning how not to play back, because relationship head games are no fun if you have to play them alone. I'm getting my frame of mind back to where I want to be, need to be, for my own sanity and happiness and for the sake of my children.
I'm proud of what I've done. I'm proud of the stand I've taken, and the person that I can see myself becoming again. I'm okay with being proud of what I've done, because this has taken a lot of internal fortitude and the ability to reach deep down inside of myself to make all of this shit happen. I'm incredibly grateful for what I've been able to do, because I know that what I've been able to do, just walk away from a marriage and buy a house, buy what I need to buy for my children, is not the norm. I'm incredibly grateful I didn't have to move into an apartment or shitty rental house like my mom did when my dad left. I'm incredibly grateful for my super family, who remind me on the regular that their loyalty is with me, despite The Ex's victim role and comments to them about my infidelity (that didn't happen, but I guess for an egotistical bastard it's hard to admit you got LEFT for no one) and anything else he thinks might hit a nerve. I'm incredibly grateful for all of my friends, many of whom have checked on in a totally random fashion out of nothing but concern and caring.
So yeah, "How Far We've Come" - I've come a long way.
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