Since I am the goddess of all the best personal ads that craigslist has to offer, I've been thinking about what my own personal ad might say one day. Kind of like how I wonder what my obituary might say someday. I hope my kids do as well by me as I did by my father. Anyway, personal ads. I'm totally not ready to date and I know this. I feel this. I'm enjoying myself too much right now just being alone. The dating thing is almost a little scary to me, because it's been a long time. It's been twelve years since I've been on the market, to be exact. Twelve years of getting used to someone and then retroactively deciding, oops, I don't really fucking like you. My other immediate concern is that I'll end up making another twelve year mistake, which would make me the dumbass. One epic failure is enough.
I peruse the personal ads on craigslist enough now that I know who the regulars are. These guys are either really picky or desperately desperate. They just keep coming back for more of the same, which I would bet is a whole lot of empty mailbox. To save myself time, I only look at the ads with pictures attached. Just yesterday, I saw a penis that was pretty much the size of my forearm. And hell yeah, I emailed the link to one of my freak ass girlfriends so we could giggle about it at work today. But then, I'll go check out the women's ads, of which hardly no pictures are attached. For the life of me, I cannot figure out why these people are using craigslist to hook up other than the fact that they are cheap bastards. If you want a date, go legit and pay a little money. You might get some quality. You might not, too, but your chances of quality are probably a little higher on a paid site than craigslist, for God's sake. If you want to get laid, go legit and pay a little money, because those sites exist too. They are called adultfriendfinder and alt.com. While you may not get quality with these sites, you may have more of a selection of some really trashy ass people. Who knows? The world is our oyster, waiting to be pried opened, sucked dry and then tossed in the garbage can. Or turned into a tabby foundation if you're in South Carolina. But I figure if I start working on mock personal ads now, by the time I'm legally divorced (about five months away) and really ready to hit the gene pool again (way more than five months away), I'll have the bomb ass personal ad and will therefore be un-fucking-irresistible, and will always have a full mailbox with lots of hot guys who look just like Brad Pitt aching to take me out for hibachi steak and cheap wine, but not so cheap that it's Boone's Farm.
So here goes (and keep in mind this is my first ever rough draft, I may be revising as we go along through the months):
Me: Well educated, divorced, attractive female in her mid-30's back on the market after a long and often dreadful hiatus. I'm even smarter than I am pretty with a witty sense of humor and have two children who live with me during the school year. Gainfully employed and able to retire on time. Largely debt free because I don't overspend and I think it's more important to be happy with what we've already got versus what we could have. Love to read, but only if it's as well written as the shit I write. Only some TV viewing, because I think the trash TV that I watch should only be high quality. Movies are good if they involve heavy weaponry and/or naked men. Naked men with rocket launchers or in mechanized artillery is a preferable genre. In pretty good shape, because I just shed 220 pounds of asshole in the last year or so, but not so thin that you can see my spleen in operation. I have some nice ass curves, so if you need to date a twig, good luck with that. Well groomed, well dressed and well spoken, as long as alcohol is not involved. Totally not 420 friendly because I get drug tested and I'm saving myself for retirement. Love to do horizontal yoga and exercises. Social drinker, but generally only around people I can trust because I'm a cheap and sleazy drunk. Not much in the cooking department, but that's okay, because I give a better blow job than I make meatloaf. A couple of discreet tattoos because we all make stupid mistakes in our younger twenties. I do my own yard work and can totally rock out my Makita and DeWalt power tools. I live my life by the maxims of "go hard or go home", and "bring your A game". Oh, yeah, and I talk mad trash.
You: Educated, with at least a bachelor's degree because I'm not putting anyone else through college that did not enter the world through my vagina. As attractive as me. That means your hair is cut short and your face sees a razor or clippers several times throughout the week. Divorced, with kids, because I have some baggage from my mother's first remarriage to a man who didn't understand the package deal he was getting. Good sense of humor, because you'll be around me, but not so insecure that we have to constantly try to one-up one another. Gainfully employed and able to retire on time and in decent shape, but won't lecture me about having a honeybun here or there. However, it will be a huge bonus for me if you're cut, though. No younger than 32 and no older than 42 because I'm too old to housebreak anyone and/or deal with really established bad habits. Alcoholics and drug addicts need not apply, unless you've been in recovery for at least a year, and even then, we'll see. If you are paying child support, do not be in arrears because I'm not paying for that, either. Felons and violent misdemeanants, move along, because we just won't see eye to eye. If you've had a DUI, I can deal with that as long as you've finished your SR-22. Military men and LE types are welcome, because you can probably handle me, but no home-grown militia men or neo-Nazis. On that same tip, racism is not appreciated here. Sports are okay, as long as you don't mind me doing what I'm going to do in an effort to distract you. Liberals, drivers of any type of Prius, ectomorphs and insecure jerk-offs who fart all the time, please be aware, I am not the woman for you.
Well, there it is. My first rough draft of my post-divorce personal ad. By the time I'm actually ready, I think I'll have a good product. VCU Adcenter, whatever.
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