Stuff I Don't Like

First day back to work after a long week off spent being miserable with the flu, and I'm feeling a little grumpy. I didn't start feeling normal until about eight minutes ago, and the day is over. Can I feel normal eight minutes into my day instead? Actually, I know I can't. I'm a night person, and when the sun goes down I start waking up and feeling like I'm just hitting my stride. So unless I start waking up every day at about 8:20 pm, I won't ever feel great eight minutes into my day.

But in the vein of being a recuperating grump, I thought I would provide a little list of shit I don't like. Well, there's really an enormous list of shit I don't like, but it's hard for me to keep track of so I'll just go with a little list of stuff that's been floating around in my head.

In no particular order:

1. The little happy family stick figure decals that are stuck all over the back of minivans - Okay, these things are just gay. They started out cute, but now they're just gay. Please stop, soccer moms. I don't care what kind of job your old man has, I don't care that shopping is your favoritist hobby (evidenced by the shopping bags dangling from your stick arms) and I don't care how many kids you have and what they like to do. Don't care about your pets, either. In fact, if I were a criminal, I would probably find a way to use your stick-figure demographics to my advantage.

2. Dog shit - I think I covered this one a few posts back, but I have such a loathing for dog shit that it really deserves a second mention. I would like to think that most normal people would dislike dog shit, but I'm obviously wrong due to the millions of Americans who own dogs and have dog shit in their yards. I opened the front door the other day, and at the very edge of my yard next to the street, some woman was letting her dog shit in my yard. I just stood there and stared while she gave me that sheepish shrug and then wandered off with her dog. I hadn't seen her before, because if I had, and if I knew where she lived, I would have gotten my shovel out and carried her dog shit to her yard. For real, if I hadn't been actively dying of the flu, I would have yelled at her to pick up her fucking dog shit. This is the Southside. I don't feel the need for manners all the time.

3. The time of the year when I can't buy Cadbury Eggs - Cadbury Eggs do a lot for making me not-so-much of a bitch. If someone gave me a Cadbury Egg to eat whilst their dog shit on the edge (but just the edge) of my yard, I might be little more tolerant. Nah. I totally wouldn't be. Dog shit in my yard is dog shit in my yard. There's no making that better.

4. Boils - The skin kind of boil. I know that there's some fancy technical name to this, but I live in the South and we call it a boil. I've had a boil exactly once in my life, and I continue to be amazed that something the size of a pencil eraser can cause that level of systemic pain. I'm somewhat embarrassed to admit I've even had a boil, because I always thought boils were something that a little old black man who lived in a tar paper shack would have, and his wife would then throw some turpentine on it and dress it with with raw pork fat and boiled cabbage. This is what happens when I read John Jakes - too much imagination for even me to handle. I dressed mine with a cloth band aid, because those band aids don't fall apart in the shower, and when the boil had healed, I ripped the band aid off, because those band aids don't come off easy, either, and with the band aid I ripped off a neat little rectangle of my skin. So technically, I guess I know what a boil and subsequent debriding feels like.

5. People who make more money than me and bitch about being broke - Especially people who don't have kids. I always want to throw my checkbook at them and tell them to walk in my shoes for a few months. Creative bill paying at it's best. But I also made the decision years ago not to chase money, because if you chase money, no matter how much you have, it's never enough.

6. I'm still pretty agitated that I'm listed as the defendant on the divorce paperwork - But this was financially my best decision, because The Ex was the person who had to pay the money to have the paperwork drawn up and I just paid my attorney to review it, and I'm sure I came away with the cheaper deal. I am also the second ex-wife of his who has been listed as the defendant, so at this point I have convinced myself that if anyone were to ever notice that, they would then immediately infer that the real problem in both of his marriages was him.

7. Mrs. Second Grade Teacher - This woman has been the bane of my existence since school started in September. My older daughter reported that school was great today because Mrs. Second Grade Teacher was out sick. I nastily thought to myself when I heard that this evening, hmmm, maybe I should send some extra homework home for that bitch to do so she'll know how it feels. I hope she has the exact strain of flu that I had. I'm not real big on Mrs. Kindergarten Teacher either, but I can't spread my animosity too thin, so I'll just continue to focus on Mrs. Second Grade Teacher.

8. Stupid reality shows like Dancing With The Stars, The Bachelor, etc. - Gay. Nowhere near as good as The Real Housewives of Anywhere Except Atlanta And Miami. I've changed my mind. Not just gay, but super gay.

9. Not having a digital camera - Getting all of those pics off of my half-crappy little cell phone is a big old pain in my ass.

10. Sexually transmitted diseases, addiction and morbid obesity - Not that I've had any of the three, but what a complete bitch to have any one of them. Here's to not catching something yucky whilst eating Little Debbies in a crackhouse. And I don't like to be distracted while I order my food, either.