I have gone back and re-read some of my old posts, looking to perfect them, as usual, and I am struck by some of the negativity and bitterness that I seem to be emanating. I need to find my humor again, and not get so wound up in I-hate-my-ex-husband bullshit and all of that. I need to get unstuck from this blackness I seem to be toting around, which is hard, considering I'm laying out of work for the third day straight on sick leave and the guv people I work with don't seem to understand how my sick leave works (old school, baby, which is I call in sick, and then I use my sick leave in eight hour increments without needing to report to other guv people because I have 800-plus hours of sick leave, but whatever) and also considering I'm watching something on TV about the black plague (should that be capitalized?) because I just don't want to watch Beverly Hills, 90210 again. Holy god, I must be sick if I can't bring myself to watch that. I was sick enough on Tuesday that I let my older daughter watch two full hours of The Real Housewives of Orange County, but I justified that to myself by watching it with her and then explaining that's not a very nice way to act. I also justified that by saying to myself that at least it wasn't the Bad Girls Club, or whatever that show about Hustler-Beaver wannabes is.
I need to enjoy that spring is upon us, spring is sprung and my ornamental cherry tree is blooming, and my dogwoods will be blooming and I'll finally know what color the blossoms are, since they had already bloomed and dropped their blossoms when I moved in last year. I need to be grateful that I don't have to pay taxes after all, and that I have sick leave to begin with. I need to be grateful that I have food in cabinet and food in the refrigerator, and that I have health insurance. I should be grateful that after a pseudo-start to my diet, this stuff I have seems to have knocked some weight off of me. Of course, driving my children around with an empty plastic grocery bag on my lap in case I puke is not quite the way I pictured my diet going, but I decided I would just pretend I'm bulimic and that kind of made it all better. Except I didn't binge beforehand because the thought of food makes me want to puke in and of itself. Maybe I should pretend I'm anorexic, then. I know if I drink any more Gatorade I'm going to die. I didn't like Gatorade to begin with - I like it even less now.
I need to quit whining and bitching and just get my ass unstuck and find my funny again.
1 comment:
You have to travel through the valley first before you start back up the mountain to the peak. Give yourself a break -- assessing your old posts when you're sick isn't a good idea. Nothing will seem funny in your state. Seemed like you were squeezing out all the blackness in a therapeutic way - like popping a zit. And actually, quite a bit of it was funny, in a sardonic, sarcastic way. And some of it was quite moving (loved the post about the football game). If your funny starts to move towards a lighter, happier track, then that will be good too.
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