Freakshow of the Day: A Triumvirate

Yes, motherfuckers. I said triumvirate. Because I am a Word.Smith. I debated for a few seconds between troika and triumvirate, but I've always liked triumvirate better. Sounds more latinish, and not like the Spanish kind of latinish. Obviously, this is a hott night on craigslist.

1) Seeking a sexy granny for hot fun tonight just make sure you can hang on responses with pics get first service wanna make sure you really are a gilf and female this is a real ad so you should be to it was 94 in richmond today thanks for reading

Okay, the guy who posted this was 31 years old. Ewwww, grossssss. Are you kidding me? I'm a little annoyed that he didn't put an age range for the grannies on his post, because sadly, I know a few people I went to high school with who are now grandparents. And I'm only 36. Okay, on the tail end of 36, but still. He really needs to specify. Does he want to do a Stifler in American Wedding, or he is just looking to hook up with a 40 year old woman who had her first child at 16, and her first grandchild at 39? Somehow, I feel like he's looking for a granny-granny, with saggy bat-wing arms and stuff. Actually, I call those arm flaps bingo wings, because that's really more appropriate. I laugh now, but I'll have me some bingo wings myself in another 20 or so years. Of course, that'll be cool, because my husband (if I ever get another one) will have himself some goat nuts that hang down to his knees, so we'll be a good match. I've never understood why men's testicles hang so much when they get older, other than it's the same concept as a woman's breasts. I worked with this old guy a few years ago, and I really think his nuts were a separate entity that were just attached to his body. They just bounced along in his pants. We'd see him coming down the hall or wherever we were, and I'd be like, oh, god, here comes so-and-so and his nuts. He sat down, his nuts sat down. He stood up and went back to his office, and there went his nuts. It's a hard concept to actually put in writing, which is really something for me, but all the women I worked with that I pointed this out to, they all agreed with me. Maybe it had something to do with this man being Italian. I don't know.

2) I would like to drink from your breast. I hear it is very comforting and a womans milk is sweet.

This might be kind of similar as the guy looking for an older woman with saggy breasts. I don't think he's posted again, so he might have just found him a hookup. For some reason, I keep reading this post with an Indian accent. You know, the kind of Indian accent you hear when you call American Express for assistance and you end up talking to some guy named Bob who has quite obviously never left Bangladesh. That outsourced Indian accent. Seriously, try it. Read this post out loud, and do it in an Indian accent. It's funny as shit. In fact, add to the beginning, "Hello, my name is Bob..." I always get pissed off when I call AmEx and end up talking to someone across the ocean. I then yell at them and tell them that dammit, I called American Express and I want to speak to a damn American, so can they patch me through to New York? When they refuse to patch me through to an American, or at least an Indian with an American accent, I get even more annoyed and remind them that I didn't open an account with Indian Express, I opened an account with American Express and I want to speaking to a fucking American. This is my obverse way of fucking with telemarketers, because I called them instead of them calling me. The best telemarketer screwing with I ever did, though, was to explain a few years ago to the Comcast telemarketer who called to sign me up for HBO was that no, I don't want HBO because it's too dirty, but can you see about getting me the CPN channel? She said she's not familiar with the CPN channel, and what is that? I tell her it's the Christian Porn Network, and my pastor has recommended that to me. In fact, not only did my pastor recommend it, but he said  that he'll come over and guide me through some of the viewings during a confidential in-home one-on-one counseling session. So can you get me that channel? And on the Comcast end of the phone, complete silence. Because I said this with all seriousness and this lady isn't sure if I'm screwing with her or if I'm being serious. So I ask her again if she can arrange to get me that channel and how much extra will it cost, because this is really important and my pastor says that my salvation is dependant upon it. She says she'll have to check on it, but wouldn't HBO be just as good? I tell her no, it absolutely wouldn't, because my pastor said it's way too sinful. She says she'll have to check on it and call me back, which she never did. Imagine that. Ultimately, I won that battle. Best telemarketer screwing I ever got? My father decided to start giving out my number when telemarketers called him, at the height of the whole telemarketer thing before the Do Not Call List. Gee, thanks. One point for dad, zero points for me.

3) Looking for adult fun with couple or select SWM. We have herpes, you should have it too, or be prepared to deal with it. Respond with local reference in title. No picture, no reply.

Okay, this is just extra gross. I'll give this couple, or whomever (brother and sister) credit for being honest about the STD, but this is just gross. Now, I'm no brain surgeon, but I thought that once someone contracted a disease like this, and it gets in your body and your DNA gets mixed up with it, and you take medication (or stop taking your medication against medical advice) then the disease might change or mutate ever so slightly, and that your specific disease might then mix with someone else's disease and that's how we end up with medication resistant diseases. I mean, if we've got medication resistant lice out there, god only knows what else might be medication resistant. Again, gross. Yet another example of why craigslist is look-but-don't-touch. For god's sake, people, use a jimmy cover. Some shit doesn't wash off.