Reading and writing, that's serious stuff to me. I have a whole bookshelf full of books, not as many as I've read, because that would just be impossible to keep up with, but my bookshelf is full of most of my favorite shit, my shit I re-read every few years, or my books that have some kind of sentimental value. And yeah, some of it is complete tripe, but I'm just not going to apologize any more for reading Jackie Collins. There's just something incredibly comforting in standing in front of my bookshelf (especially when I've alphabetized it and categorized it, which I'm saving for a winter panic attack, I think) and touching all the spines, getting the books out, thinking about how many times I've read them or how many times I haven't read them yet. I'm that person who will open a book, and I have to smell the pages. A book smell is a good thing. I do this in my favorite big box book store, when I want to go and read for free and the library is too cheesy. There is nothing quite as calming as pulling a fresh book off the shelf, flipping the pages, reading a paragraph here and there, feeling that this might be the book I want to quick read for free. And then... I commit a heinous book crime. I crack the spine. Cracking the spine of a book is like taking the first sip of someone else's ice cold canned drink that they just popped the top on. Yeah, bitches, I just stole the best sip of the whole drink. Gotcha. Cracking the spine to a book is just like that. So I crack the spine to the book, feel the crisp pages flutter between my hands, inhale the essence of the book... and damn, are those pages stuck together? Holy shit! Is that what I think it is? Goddammit, this is a public store. People are nasty. No, seriously, it never happened there. But this one time, in a prison library...
Man, I really got off the topic there. Freakshow of the Day. Here goes. Remember, this is a little different for me.
Hi,
I would describe myself as kind,warm,intelligent,cute,classy,and funny. I am a single white guy.
I am looking for a daytime weekday intimate relationship with a attractive white woman. My main interest is to orally service a woman. I can host at my place. I am disease/drug free, and you must be also.
Okay, the written part is a little cheesy, but not the worst I've read. Not the best either, but this is craigslist. Standards are low here. Mr. Man is 35, and he's included two facial shots. He looks normal in that dweeby kind of way. But then, there's another picture. This would be the full body shot. Well, at least he included more than just his genitals. This is the picture I want to put on my blog, but I can't, what with my fears of embedded shit and all. He's balding, but not completely chromed out up top. He's got the ring around the head, and then, on the top, where he's balding, he's got a little fluff of hair that's the shape of a mohawk, but the consistency of a Rogaine commercial. Bushy eyebrows. Straight nose, normal mouth. He's standing up, obviously wherever he might live, and this is his laptop cam or something that's taken his picture. He's naked, except for the pair of white cotton underwear that look like boot camp issue. Since no genitals were exposed in the taking of this picture, I feel okay in sending this link to all of my girlfriends, even the married ones. And one other friend who will probably unfriend me tonight. Because he's a guy. So here's the emailed conversation that subsequently ensued between me and one of my girlfriends, who also has no life.
The original email was entitled, "Oh my god I'm so glad I'm single" and the body of the email, immediately on top of the link said, "Because this is what's out there waiting for me."
Girlfriend: Ha, now that is one hell of a birthday present to give yourself. are u sure u r ready...u may want to pace yourself.
Me: I've been laughing about that since I've seen it. I even sent it to one of my guy friends.
Girlfriend: i am just not believing he posted it...poor thing has no idea that he is the butt of a joke tonight. (He also has no idea he's going to the topic of most of a blog post)
Me: Did you show [insert her husband's name here]? Because that's just hot and I know you want [insert her husband's name here again] to be just like that guy.
Girlfriend: well i am waiting for him to get home. he is on evening shift and got called out so u r my entertainment for the night. u and that hunk of a man u found. i bet he is hung like a mule. (Yes! Women really do discuss this)
Me: I can't tell because he's squeezing his legs together so tightly. (Yes! Women really do discuss this in GREAT detail)
Girlfriend: he is trying not to crap his pants when he took that pic.
Me: I think he might have had to go pee-pee because he was so excited. Kind of like [insert other girlfriend's name here]'s dog when it breathes.
Girlfriend: could be....maybe he had to get drunk in order to get his clothes off to have his mommy take his pic (Ahhh, she threw out the mommy comment - nice addition to the shit talking that women do)
Me: She should have waxed his chest. That is disgusting. All that hair. Ew. (No man who looks like a bear shall ever get between these legs. Again. Because my standards are raised)
Girlfriend: your cat may like him
Me: Neither of my cats will ever meet this guy. (My girlfriend's a little slow and totally did not get this comment)
Girlfriend: well then looks like you are back to the drawling board or calling the one with the lysol can (That would have been a link last week that I sent her with some guy holding a Lysol can up next to his junk)
Me: I think I can just do without.
Girlfriend: awwww
Me: Please. If that's what the available male population looks like out there, I'm better off. Would you want to date some dude in tighty whitey's with his legs squeezed together, looking like he skinned a bear and put it on his chest? I think not. Don't cry for me, Argentina. (She didn't get that last comment, either)
Girlfriend: i think i would stay single, buy sex toys and drink (This is the exact same girlfriend fucking hassling me to have sex toy party. I'm resisting because I'm good with what I've already got, thanks, but now I'm rethinking it because that would be one hell of a blog post)
Me: What do you think I do every night? (She doesn't know about my blog and I'm not giving that little detail up, either)
Girlfriend: oh, that explains the early morning moods. (That's because I kind of made it to work on time on those days)
Me: I thought my mood had much improved since I left dickhead. Someone told me other day they don't hear me yelling as much in my office anymore.
So that's it. My Freakshow of the Day. All of a sudden I don't know if it's the guy in the saggy underpants or me.
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