Skeet

This is the word that brought forth the technological bubonic plague onto my computer yesterday. I was trying to wrap up an afternoon of blissful nothingness and get in one last blog before the children came home, and figured I'd troll around craigslist for a few minutes looking for my freakshow of the day. Now, I'm no dumbass, but every now and then I'll come across something and I'm like, huh? What's that?

That's what I came across yesterday. I was trolling through the women for men ads, because I want my freakshows to be equal opportunity. So I find this one ad, about three lines long, and the last line says something to the effect of "I skeet, and [some other bullshit I can't remember]."  I  immediately thought, why would she put something about skeet shooting in a personal ad that's on the casual encounters section? This is what happens when my country ass gets on craigslist sometimes. I don't know what some of these people are talking about. But never fear, because I know I can look this stuff up on Urban Dictionary. Everything you never wanted to know about our evolving lexicon - yeah, it's on Urban Dictionary. I knew that was exactly the place to look up skeet, because although I know about skeet shooting, and I've gone skeet shooting before, I really felt like that's not what this woman was referring to.

Off to Urban Dictionary. Look up skeet. It's there. Apparently this is the urban term for the Vatican approved method of birth control. In fact, I think it might be the only Vatican approved method of birth control, but for real, I'm not Catholic. I have to go on what I hear. Or maybe it's the Mormons. I don't know. So you get what skeet is, right? Technically, I guess this could also be considered skeet shooting. Or skeet dribbling, and I don't mean shooting at basketballs, although it just struck me how much fun that might be. Well, at least now I know what that means and I'll add that I felt kind of stupid for not knowing this. I mean, I listen to Lil Wayne and Drake. I should have already known this. What this means, if you haven't gotten my drift by now, is that home girl does not use jimmy covers and at the end of the show, all equipment must be immediately withdrawn prior to the big finale. I figured I had my freakshow of the day, because at this point, I just wanted to be able to enlarge the lexicon of whomever might be reading my blog. I should work to educate others periodically.

And. Then. It. Happened.

The. Virus. Got. Me.

All kinds of shit started popping up on my screen, and I'm thinking, oh my God, what's going on? What is that? I've never seen that warning before. And before I knew what to do, I was infected. I kind of figured that I had just gotten a virus, simply due to the vast array of misspellings on the "Purchase Now" webpage that I couldn't get off of, but I'm something of a moron when it comes to technology. I don't understand why my computer doesn't work faster. I thought that computers were smarter than me, so if I think it, and click it, it should happen instantaneously. I continue to be disappointed that it doesn't work like that. How is it possible for me to think faster than a computer? I'm smart and all, but I'm no genius. In fact, I only scored 129 on the last online IQ test I took. In fact again, I'll be honest and deduct a few points because I cheated on some of the math questions, so we'll knock it down to 123.67398. Obviously Mensa is not waiting on me, so how am I able to think faster than my computer? When I would ask that question to The Ex, in a theoretical kind of way, he would give me the dumbest look. He never would answer, but would just give me the look. I'll have to assume he didn't know, either.

So all this stuff starts popping up on my computer, and I immediately freak out because it won't go away, and thus, I can't do anything on the internet and the internet is my lifeblood. What the fuck is there for a separated woman to do besides sit around on facebook, blog about stupid stuff and troll on craigslist? Does this mean I might have to go back to my early summer plan of re-reading all of my books? How will I know what's going on out there? How can I obsessively check my email for what will never be there if I can't get on the internet? How will I know if I'm someone's missed connection if I can't log on? How can I pimp my blog out? Oh my god, I might lose my followers. All four of them. They might abandon me if I don't put up some post in the next couple of days. People today, we need our instant gratification and what if I'm not there to provide it? Oh, fuck, what will become of me?

To make a long story short, I went to work, looked up my virus and figured out how to make it go away. I am now smarter for knowing what a system restore is. Yay! for smart people in Microsoft who can make this happen in my computer but Boo! can't make the computer work as fast as I think. It really wasn't the bubonic plague, but it sure felt like it in my head. I spent a lot of time today thinking about skeet and how this virus basically skeeted all over my damn hard drive, and how ironic that was. Really, in more ways than one, me and my computer, we got skeeted.