Card Games

I've decided that most of my dealings with The Ex have been reduced down to human card games. Gambling with emotions, calling bluffs, sliding the ace across the table with that quiet feeling of superiority. I've played a lot of card games, and I've done a fair amount of gambling in my day. That's actually my one true addiction, gambling. This is why I can't go to Atlantic City or Las Vegas, because I'll get sucked in. I used to do the scratch tickets with some regularity, but even that was pretty ritualized for me, like a junkie who has to go through certain motions in the process of getting ready for the juice. I lost my mojo a few years ago with the scratch tickets, but I think now that my marriage had sucked it out of me and I might just buy a ticket to see if I've got it back yet. 

I'll bet on damn near anything, unless it's a straight odds bet, because I don't have the math skills to do odds or understand them. I largely blame this on my high school math teachers not really giving a shit if I went to class or not, and then not giving a shit if I cheated or not. So if I'm faced with some odds action, I will usually walk away, because I don't know if it's worth taking because I don't understand the whole thing. But I'll bet on cards. Some of the best card games I ever played were in the parking lot of the private school where I grew up. I'd gather about with my friends on Friday and Saturday nights, and some fast and furious Acey Deucey gambling would entail. It was just straight up gambling, a bunch of us squatted down in the parking lot with a case of beer and the shit talking would start, and money would be won, and money would be lost. I think I remember that I was usually the only girl in that group, probably because the shit talking didn't bother me and I could keep up with it. For some reason guys are fascinated by a woman who is completely girly-girl, but can talk some mad, crazy shit like a pro football player. The other place, a two room treehouse kind of place with electricity and some Lynyrd Skynyrd and Allman Brothers blasting while entire days and nights were lost on Spades and beer. To say good times would be super cheesy, but damn, it was.

After I initiated the whole divorce thing, I started to feel like that relationship had turned into a card game. I laid down a card, and then he laid down a card. I came up with another card, and then he came up with another card. I don't know why this analogy keeps brewing in my head, other than that's what it really was. A bunch of emotional cards. In the interest of trying something new, I'll demonstrate.

First card of the game: Divorce card, house deals to the lady. Keep in mind, his card and her card reflect the card that each party laid down to the other.
His card: You're cheating.
My card: I want a divorce.
Draw

His card: Let's go to counseling.
My card: You're not worth the effort.
His win

His card: You're cheating.
My card: You can feel free to go to counseling for you if you'd like.
My win. Maybe.

His card: You're selfish.
My card: I don't love you.
Draw

His card: You have my permission to cheat and then we can work this out.
My card: No thank you. I want a divorce.
My win

His card: I'm seeing someone.
My card: I'm happy for you. Really.
My win

His card: I was only having sex with you because you're here.
My card: We need to get the house appraised.
My win

His card: I got approved for a home loan so I can buy another house.
My card: You can have this house.
His win

His card: We can use the same attorney. He's a friend from high school.
My card: No thank you. I've already talked to someone.
My win

His card: It'll save money if we use my attorney.
My card: I'm not stupid.
My win

His card: Change the girlfriend's ring tone to the song we danced to at our wedding.
My card: Don't acknowledge, but thought, are you that much of a psycho?
My win

His card: This house hasn't accrued in value in the nine years we've been here.
My card: We'll see.
Draw

His card: You'll only get about ten thousand out of it.
My card: I'll need a copy of the appraisal.
Draw

His card: The house appraised really high.
My card: I thought so.
My win

His card: When are you moving out?
My card: I'm looking at places this weekend.
Draw

His card: I want custody of the children full time.
My card: No, I want custody.
Draw

His card: I hacked into your emails. I'm going to blackmail you.
My card: With what? Oh, and that would be inadmissible.
My win

His card: You can have custody during the school year.
My card: I don't want child support.
Draw

His card: Have you bought a house yet?
My card: Yep.
My win

His card: Introduce the children to his girlfriend.
My card: A joker somehow didn't get picked out of the deck.
His win

His card: I'm going to throw all of your belongings away if you're not out in 24 hours.
My card: I'm still on the deed.
My win

His card: I don't really care.
My card: I'm taking the children with me.
Draw

His card: I'll charge you with kidnapping.
My card: 911
Draw

His card: I'll help you move. You can give me a key to your house for babysitting.
My card: That's not a good idea.
My win

His card: You're going to take all of my stuff when you leave.
My card: I don't want a damn thing that belongs to you.
My win

His card: When are you moving?
My card: This weekend.
My win

His card: I can't believe how much you took.
My card: You already agreed to it in the property settlement last month.
My win

His card: All of this is her fault, to the child psychologist.
My card: I deserve not to spend my life in misery.
Draw

His card: You're a whore.
My card: Whatever.
My win

His card: Fill the children's head with bullshit.
My card: Be the better person and just deprogram.
My win

His card: Manipulate to have girlfriend over when I drop the kids off.
My card: Screaming panic attack.
His win

His card: Try desperately to create a new family with girlfriend.
My card: Professional therapy for anxiety attacks and anger management.
My win

His card: Throw a fit to have a school calendar.
My card: Give it to him.
My win

His card: Crap out in the middle of Back to School Night.
My card: Stay like a real parent.
My win

His card: Only attend cheerleading events on the weekends he has the children.
My card: I'm coaching.
My win

His card: Call to see if I mind if he takes the girlfriend and children to our favorite restaurant.
My card: Knock yourself out.
My win

His card: It's in the interest of moving things forward.
My card: Whatever.
Draw

This is the card game that I feel like I've been playing since the end of January. This wasn't even fun in the beginning. I'm tired of this shit, I'm tired of feeling like I constantly have to come up with a good card. I'm just ready to be done with all of this and just move on, but I can't, because there's always another card.