* Formerly titled "That Is So Gay", but I changed the name because there's some stuff that will end up making this list that isn't so much gay as it is shit I just don't like.
Okay, so this is my new column, in the same vein as my Freakshow of the Day column, which seems to being doing pretty well, at least in terms of always providing me with new material on the regular. I have to say, as a disclaimer, that my title has nothing to do with homosexuality, but more along the lines of saying that something is just really stupid. But to say something is really stupid doesn't quite capture the essence of saying that something is gay. I got into saying this a few years ago at work, especially after a co-worker of mine was gay enough to actually diagram the Spectrum of Gayness for another co-worker, and placed both himself and the other co-worker on said diagram. Of course, the architect of the diagram placed himself at the far end of the "Not Gay" end, and placed the other co-worker at the other far end of the diagram, which was "100% Gay". So jokes abounded for months about where discussion topics fell on the Spectrum of Gayness. I am trying to get myself out of using this term, because I think I might have offended a couple of the lesbians I work with, although I'm a little put off by the fact that they don't want to sit around and discuss the other kind of sausage with me. I also try to watch what I say around my children because I don't want to get called into the principal's office to explain something dumb like this, because I feel like the principal will probably not understand the new lexicon of the word gay. However, just because I'm trying to get myself out of the habit of saying this at work and around my children doesn't mean it's not still in my head. And there's a lot of gay stuff out there for me to comment on.
So, here's my first That Is So Gay topic. I've been hanging on to this one since 10th grade, which seems like it was only about five years ago, but actually was more like 21 or so years ago. My god, that makes me feel really old. Anyway... gay topic.
Don Quixote.
Yeah, that shit is gay. I had to read this book in 10th grade, because I had gotten into Prince Edward County's version of AP English and History, except they called it the Civilization program, and you had apply for entrance and be screened and all of that. But this program was supposed to be for the smarter kids, the kids who would definitely head on to good colleges, the kids who had parents who gave a shit. Ha ha, tricked y'all and slipped right the fuck in. Like any socially mobile 14 year old girl, this program was not about improving my chances to go to a good college, it was not about giving me accelerated learning materials (that really weren't), it was not about learning how to write good essays, this program was about securing entree into a whole new group of kids, a whole new group of guys to date and securing my place at the cool parties. Because at 14, I had my priorities straight. Grades be damned, it was all about looking good and clawing my way to the top of the social ladder.
So I had to read this book in 10th grade, which was my first year in the Civ program. So it was somewhat of a rude awakening to me, because I had to stop reading good shit and start reading old stupid shit. The reading itself wasn't an issue, because I had read every Nancy Drew book by the time I was in 6th grade. In fact, in 6th grade, I recall that I didn't even check any books out of the library because they were too babyish for me. I remember the librarian wanted to have a conference with my mother about this, and my mother was like, well, she doesn't need to check any books out because she's reading Stephen King and James Clavell right now. But of course, my accelerated reading also almost got me held back in 6th grade, because I decided that in every class I didn't like, it would just be more fun to read instead of do my classwork and pay attention. So I would bring my big 400 page epic novels and such to school, and if I was in a class and didn't like the topic at hand, I would very sneakily sneak my book out of my bookbag and hold it in my lap and read it under my desk. And then they wanted to have another conference with my mother about the fact that I was failing 6th grade because I was reading in all of my classes. Uh, how about you make 6th grade not so fucking boring? So that turned into I had to leave my bookbag at each teacher's desk and I was only allowed to take my book and notebooks to my desk, which didn't serve to make me fascinated in school, it only served to teach me how to really slide through a class with minimal effort. And that skill served me well right through college, I'm pleased to say, because employers really don't give a shit about your GPA. I missed graduating with honors from college by, like, two one-hundredths of a point or something, but it didn't matter because I didn't even bother with going to the graduation. The fact that I had skated through college with virtually no effort had disillusioned me by that point.
Anyway, reading and reading comprehension in the Civ program was not an issue to me. It was the complete crap they assigned us to read that I had an issue with. Really, the only thing I took away from Don Quixote is that this was one gay ass book. Furthermore, if my children are assigned to read Don Quixote at any point in their lives, I will just tell them, that book is gay as FUCK, just read the Cliff Notes. Reading Don Quixote was not a defining moment in my life, and in fact, it was actually a sliver of time in my life that was one enormous waste. For real, I can't relate to a woman named Dulcinea, I don't care about a wingman named Sancho (because it sounds too much like a Dirty Sanchez to me) and I don't want to know about La Mancha.
Because it's gay.
No comments:
Post a Comment